Emperor Penguin MANtalities

I watched March of the Penguins- I was just astonished about how amazing the male Emperor Penguin was....traveling about 56 mi inland to reach the breeding site in temperatures of -40 °F, holding their baby/egg between their legs....like the woman Peng doesn't have to do anything AND the Emperor Penguins are serially monogamous. They have one supreme mate and stay faithful for a LIFE TIME...I thought WOW that is unreal.....I am now going to use this as an inspiration to seek a boyfriend who has Penguin morals.

• Stands in subarctic weather- means that he will give you his coat at anytime..even in a blizzard. Perfect for bar nights...
• Stays with the same mate forever- ok So you find one who loves you..you're in like Flynn
  
• Has all responsibilities for the newborn- See you later babe, I'm going shopping

All in all not too shabby.....but I knew their had to be a catch...I googled this nonsense to see if it was really true...could a Emperor not be a player?
NO
Wikipedia says:
They have only one mate each year, and stay faithful to that mate. However, the next year, most end up with different mates. Although they attempt to locate the previous year's mate in the next breeding season ( ya, right once its over its over..that Emperor is just not that into you), most cannot find each other and choose a new mate...sounds right on...scared of commitment.

No longer seeking a boyfriend with Emperor Penguin MANtalities


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emperor_Penguin

Sh*t is Bananas!

Sometimes I prank people. Sometimes people think its funny. Sometimes people don't understand it. Sometimes I don't realize that I am a complete moron and that its not funny.......in saying that..my banana prank made someone cry!!!

My poor neighbor girl was an innocent bystander to one of my insane antics. A normal joke that I would prefer to happen to me... made my neighbor cry, have her parents big her pizza, and come over to comfort her with sweet words such as "pal you hanging in there"

the breakdown:
Neighbor : "so the other day I went to get my mail and I found a bag that had cat poop in it stuffed in my mailbox...I can't believe people can be so malicious. Who would do that in our neighborhood? Who doesn't like me that much?"

ME: (As I am laughing inside and just realized it was me who did it, but it was a BANANA I was too lazy to throw out and forgot to tell her i put that special treat in her mailbox deciding whether to go along with the story or confess) " I don't know...Poop..who would do that?" (ME, ME , ME, ME)

Neighbor: "Oh I was so upset about it, my parents came over and stayed and helped me around the house because it made me cry"

ME: ( Well I just realized that I was a pretty awful person and no wonder I am single) " Um...It was me who put a old banana in your mailbox because I was too lazy to throw it out and I didn't think it would be smart to put it in my own mailbox. It wasn't cat poop! ..ha..haa...haa???"

..Needless to say we had a good laugh and I am a moron who is too lazy to throw out a banana peal.

Pandora for Prez

I don't have any juicy gossip from my weekend, insanely poor work on my behalf for sticking inside watching inde flicks. BUT I do know one or two things.

1. ) Pandora.com. SIgn up and get your free streamline of radio music from all your favorites. Currently at work I've listen since 8 am and it has been nothing but pure brilliance . I may or may not have been caught dancing in my chair. I may or may not have turned the UPS man on with my young professional shimmy.

2.) Facebook is going to soon add an application that will request and invite to end my life because it pretty much owns me. I can see it now... Facebook has one invite for a request to kill Jaclyn Thomas. Do you accept? and of course I will.

3.) I have never been more jealous of a celeb tot. Suri Cruise spiced up her life, taking in a private concert with the Spice Girls. She can't tell anyone what she really really wants....

inertia is the property of wife restraining order

SO a good day starts when....you read on US weekly that Bill Nye "The Science Guy". The master of junior high video tape days sets a restraining order against his ex-fiancee.

US weekly reports "In handwritten documents, Nye, 51, claims that, on 11:30 p.m. on Labor Day, ex Blair Tindall, wearing all black ( is that necessary, she must have been feeling scandalous in black), poured weed killer in the garden of the L.A. home they used to share.

She "fled on foot when I called her name," dropping two large bottles that had been "filled with some sort of solvent" and "may have been emptied on my garden from which I get food produce," Nye said. So basically she tried to position his organic crop?

Saying her year was fraught with a series of personal and family problems, Tindall called her move a "foolish, sophomoric act of poor judgment." But she denied being a threat to Nye, whom she accused of "emotional cruelty."

wow, who would have thought someone would stoop soo soo soo low to get The Science Guy where it hurts, his shrubbery. Not his life, his plants. But obviously only a Science Maniac would take this seriously.

Detroit: expect the unexpected

Setting: Sally's apt, wine, hope, faith, Lisa, metro detroit bus system times, the speculation that goodness will occur.

I knew I was back to my good ole self when I came to the realization that taking the Detroit bus downtown for a buck, was not the right idea when:

a. A rando asks if we want to buy weed
b. Woodward and Forest isn't the best location
c. There was a humble police car just sitting in the parking lot

C. was chosen and I used my magic with words to persuade him to drive us downtown. Great success!!!! Plastic back seats and the thrill of getting out of the back of a Cop car...priceless.

As we swaggled our way to several bars this occurred:

-Tyra Banks took over my mind body and soul and I became America's Next Top Model

- I used a balancing act with my chair and boots on the bar to win over an old mans heart and moustache

- Realized that Lisa's outfit was ideal for the Hound of the Baskervilles and we then solved many mysteries.

-Found a Buzz Lightyear look alike...He had plenty of toys for my story

Dislikes

I have realize there is not much that makes me mad, but since I have not been happy here are my top 10 dislikes:

1. Played a FOOL
2. Being Lead on
3. Tomatoes
4. Tricked by some one's so you thought amazing personality
5. Hangovers
6.Driving in Traffic
7. Fake people
8. Useless text messaging
9. Surprises
10. Big dogs

Milkshake...the real meaning

Lisa and I were lazily on the couch Wednesday afternoon(or in a state of confusion due to the amount of booze consumed the previous night). She thought it would be a great idea to call anyone in her phone book to bring us a "Milkshake". Even though McDonald's was down the street or a Coney Island, she took it upon herself to phone people who lived over 40 miles away. Needless to say her mission was complete when she did receive a Vanilla shake in hand 2 hours later. But me, my mission was not complete because I couldn't get "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" damn song out of my head. I was perplexed and boggled because what dose Kelis really mean...Her Milkshake? so we asked Urban Dictionary:

Kelis says "Milkshake is just that thing that makes a woman stand out from everyone else. It's a thing that makes you sensual and warm and maternal. It could be about breasts but I don't have huge t*** so you gotta work with what you got."

I felt better once I finally knew what it meant! We jumped for joy and realized our standard shimmy will now be transformed into Milkshakin' as much as possible.

This definition also came up:

The act of punching or kicking a female in the cooch. This act is usually committed when said female is sitting like a dirty ho with spread-eagle legs.
Hey Liz, close ya damn legs before I have to get to milkshaking you.

who let the dogs out

This always makes me laugh and I could use a tall glass of laughter right about now...

Coconut bangers ball will do the trick

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2zRGQX2QLo

Watch it!!!

You win you always do...

America: show me some more money...PLEase

Since I am recent grad, finding a great paying job in my field is hard to come by at entry level, but America is experiencing the same thing. This took my by surprised today as I was drinking my 4 dollar coffee. $40k a year between you and your significant other is all your looking at for more than half of the households in America. I don't know about you, but that is just nuts. I am not looking forward to the future here...unless that is you have 2o dollar bills flowing from you pocket. I ain't saying im a gold digger, but I am looking for a broke.....anyways all I know is that can't happen or how will I support the shoefunds?



http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/103815/Where-Do-You-Stand-on-America

Its been along time....but I'm bringing bloggin back

I have awoken from a booze filled eventful trip to St. Croix, Virgin Islands. Where cocktails are served with every meal, the beach is right at your feet, the sun always shines (except when I was there Tropical Storm Noelle took place), the locals are all around being odd, the only store on the island is K-mart, and being just wasted is perfectly ok!!!

Here are some recaps of my trip:

Found this man at a local gas station. I called him Local Bird Man. He chirped all these chickens out of no where... needless to say I was scared to death once I all these squakin things flock my way.

Next Local on the list...Paulie the Pirate. No, it wasnt halloween just yet, but paulie choose to take the "jack sparrow" approach to life.

and I pray I dont get LICe or like Hiv from this hat

Halloween night apporached us on the island and I was treated to a Cruzion experience. There was a costume party ....3 mins prep and my White Trash costume was complete. Little did I know there would be a run in with a women whose hair, makeup, etc resembled my costume and she wasnt dressed up....

You guessed it..I HAD to get a picture with her.